It was utterly frustrating really… I had been sobbing uncontrollably. There were 2 pink lines, indicating I was pregnant.
We told our parents, began doing research on what I could and could not do/eat. Friends gave us books like “What to expect when Expecting” and I was even given Andrew’s first pair of little Levis from his sister.
So why did the doctor tell me that “the sack was empty”? Didn’t she know that the First Response test showed 2 pink lines? Didn’t she know we already told our loves ones? Didn’t she know I wasn’t eating sushi? “We don’t know why this happens… Here’s a manual on how to cope.”
Why would God sike us out like that?
Such a cruel joke.
And why me? I’m a good person.
Then His gentle voice hit me like a ton of bricks. “Grace is not earned”
My being a good person doesn’t mean I’ll never endure hardships, or loss or agony.
No, it doesn’t at all.
In fact, it does nothing in earning grace or favor. His grace is given freely and abundantly to all His children.
But it raises so many questions. Why a sudden heart attack to a healthy man, with a bright future? Why a still birth to a newlywed couple, or a car accident caused by a drunk driver that leaves a mother paralyzed? Where was God in all of this?
These are questions I’m afraid I’ll never know the answer to…
A sort of mystery, that can never be solved or understood by the human mind.
I can say, “it’s all in His hands” but its so hard to believe that all of this sadness and heartbreak is for good. But better in His hands than in mine.
I remember Joyce Meyer saying one time in her sermon, “ask not the question of, why do bad things happen to good people, but ask, how do good people handle bad things.” We pray. We cry, a lot. As the Psalmist has said in 42:9
“I say God is my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning oppressed by the enemy?’ My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God.” Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
I’m putting my hope in a big God that has big plans that my heart and soul long to align with.
God bless us all.