I keep coming back to the idea of being a child – the need for a direction through this life, a book of rules, guidelines and defined purpose. I’m certain it’s because I now have a child of my own and these are the things I will try to provide or help define for Carter. This new fact has instantly and beautifully helped me understand God’s love for His children, His child, – Me.
And I don’t think I would understand the width and depth of HIs love like this if it weren’t for Motherhood. And in some treasure hunt kind of way I think that’s what God intended. It’s like unlocking a mystery, or discovering a new level of His love for us in this life. Although, I don’t think Motherhood is the only way to understand Him in this new way. I think there are many things that happen in people’s lives that draw them to their knees and transform their hearts – Motherhood is what did it for me.
In some incredible way, Carter loves me like Jesus. I know he can’t talk, he barely makes a cooing sound and he has hardly broke a smile. But despite all those inabilities, he loves me and I know it. I have such a certainty about his love for me that if has only increased my certainty in God’s love for us – His children.
My goodness, that thought is intense.
It’s seems like this whole “raising a child” thing is somewhat backwards. Carter has taught me how to love better. And you know my struggle with loving my neighbor – he has softened my heart towards them – say what? In 5 short weeks my heart has been transformed. I see life differently because of him, because of His child.
Could if be that I need Carter more than he needs me? Could my idea of a Savior come in the form of a baby? Absolutely. He is not the Savior but he points me to THE Savior, day after day.
Wow. Just wow.
Yes, he is my child but we are His children, first. And the thought that God trusts me with one of His children overwhelms my heart and draws me to tears and I find myself again, weeping at the feet of Jesus and thanking Him for trusting a sinner like me, for equipping me and helping me in and for Motherhood.
And I have a vision of being curled up on the lap of my Father, being soothed, rocked and reassured that I am protected, safe and satisfied in His arms, just as I am doing now with Carter.
Returning to my Father.
It is in this raw and intimate moment were I praise Him, wholly, fully and relentlessly. This is Motherhood – a new level of Love.